You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
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Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
12. I think about this all the damn time
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”