Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
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*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
This makes total sense…
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.