@VerbsRProudest

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

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@doll_partzz

Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.

@WilliamAder

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

@LlamaInaTux

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

@WilliamAder

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

@1_swarthy_dude

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

@allisongeroi

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

@HallpassCanada

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.