Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
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Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.