Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
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The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought