The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
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Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.