My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
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Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
socratic questions
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.