that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
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Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
men are simple creatures
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.