My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
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I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Basketball games are very squeaky.