Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
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Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Mission: Impossible
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.