I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
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If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.