I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
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a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
this is me
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.