I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
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Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key