[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
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You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.