her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
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Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message