@subtweetopath

[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*

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@noog

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

@OhDuarte

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.

@girl_a_whirl

As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.

@amishschool

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

@iamburtjarvis

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

@YourMomsucksTho

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

@LackOfShame

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message