My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
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My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Smooooooth
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card