I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
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After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet