Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
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me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.