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M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…