I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
You Might Also Like
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh