Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
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INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.