I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
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Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?