I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
You Might Also Like
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Not my job 馃槀
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
i鈥檝e decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn鈥檛 hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh鈥hssssssh鈥eeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
How to find Kentucky on a map
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 馃槀
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.