Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
You Might Also Like
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
mariah carrie
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.