If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
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Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.