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We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
mariah carrie
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.