@PopeAwesomeXIII

We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.

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@markydoodoo

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

@Blanchenmanch

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

@ValeeGrrl

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

@SirEviscerate

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

@Raoul_Duke_71

*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??

@TXrednation1

Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.

Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*

@jwomackou

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

@AndyAsAdjective

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

@The_Sculptress

Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.

I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.