I have so many questions.
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Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
WHY?!
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.