Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
You Might Also Like
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
peak technology
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.