promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
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Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.