promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
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*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
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Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.