A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
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There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life