There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
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[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.