@mellimelle

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

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@UncleDuke1969

“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”

@RafflesWord

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

@iRowlf

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

@JermHimselfish

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

@Dil_Tron

[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now

@mydmac

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

@BacklineNurse

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

@Seinfeld2000

GERG: She licked ur donut?

JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!

GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!

@ristolable

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support