You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
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[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives