You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
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I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
sistine chapel
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*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.