*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
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I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Black Friday “markdowns” like
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats