I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
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* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Where is your GOD now????
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.