Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
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I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.