Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
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I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Finally!
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!