Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
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Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
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HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*