Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
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What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
The Book. The Movie.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?