You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
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“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”