News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
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[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉