Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
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I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out