all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
You Might Also Like
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Just a reminder, folks:
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]