Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blood donor clinic]

dracula: can i order a pint please?

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

I feel attacked.

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

They say women only use 10% of their anger

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep

Job interviewer: …and a weakness?

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?