Just a reminder, folks:
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Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!