if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
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HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?