if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
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MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!