Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
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I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
You can’t outrun your problems…
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single