Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
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Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?