Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
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If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”