If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
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A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Just how popey was the pope today?
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?