Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
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Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Never forget.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.