I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
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me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Sunday
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Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
o shit
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Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
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One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”