Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
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wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I’m sorry…what?
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.