There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
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That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not