My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
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I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Me trying to walk in a dream
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.