My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
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[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
The little toadstool has spoken.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”